


Breaking Up

by Selen0phile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Break Up, Insomnia, M/M, implied depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-20 05:53:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selen0phile/pseuds/Selen0phile
Summary: Taeil decided to end things with Johnny leaving the both of them falling into their own disasters to which Johnny attempts on saving Taeil but forgets to save himself from his own.





	1. Saving Taeil

**Author's Note:**

> because of the lack of johnil fics in this place, I wanna do one myself!!

“So you and Taeil hyung broke up?”

Johnny didn’t even stop himself from rolling his eyes. Mark has arrived yesterday coming home from Canada and stayed there for a couple of months, totally taking advantage of the break that the management generously gave them. Johnny went to Chicago but only for a short while, short enough to catch up with his family and friends. Somehow, Chicago seems so foreign to him at first but after few days he got comfortable, Johnny likes to think it went like that.

“We didn’t see each other for a month and this is what you tell me?”

“We talked to each other on phone for month and this is what you didn’t tell me?” Mark countered while sipping on his iced choco drink. Johnny swore Mark’s taste buds are of a 5 year old’s despite being at the age of twenty five. Johnny himself lost his sweet tooth when he reached twenty.

It’s not like Johnny didn’t want Mark to know. He just really couldn’t grasp a chance among the excited updates he had been receiving from Mark who at that time obviously is enjoying his stay back home with his family. He figured he’d probably tell him when he comes back to Korea. It’s pointless to spoil his little brother’s vacation with his miserable life.

“It was a mutual break up,” Johnny started

Mark slightly smirked as he sips still at the sweet drink. “That’s not how Taeyong hyung described it to me,”

“What exactly did Taeyong even tell you?” Johnny curiously asks before he jumps into conclusions.

Mark shrugged. For the second time today, Johnny rolled his eyes from the child’s audacity to cross his legs in front of his hyung and be cocky and all shit. “You tell me what happened, then I’ll tell you what Taeyong hyung told me.”

“You little shit, Taeyong didn’t actually tell you anything. You’re just juicing me with details.”

“Hey if it works, then it works.”

Johnny scoffed. “Well, it doesn’t.”

Mark chuckled whole-heartedly, really enjoying teasing his favourite hyung. “No, but seriously. Taeyong just told me it was bad; bad enough for you to stay temporarily in a separate apartment.”

Johnny did decide to separate for a while. Taeil never actually disagreed, he didn’t agree either. But Johnny thinks it’s better to give both of them time to heal and move on.

Johnny never agreed with the breakup.

Just…maybe, Johnny is mad at Taeil.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Mark nudged his arm lightly. Johnny snapped from his thoughts. “Your face changed. Tell me what really happened.” Mark looked extremely concerned, making Johnny feel a pinch of guilt in his chest.

Johnny forced a smile. “I told you it was okay, it was mutual. He said he wanted to be alone for a while. I told him it’s okay. And then it’s over.” Johnny looked back at the night of the break up where he felt the first time the need to punch Taeil in the face. Every second still feels freshly tattooed at the back of his mind. He remembered there were no traces of emotions left inside his boyfriend’s eyes as he ended things between them.

Both of them didn’t cry.

Both of them went back to being who they were when they are anything but lovers.

Mark massaged his arm, wanting him to calm down. “Dude, you look like you’re about to cry. So it’s this bad.”

Johnny ignored the pooling water in his eyes and looked at his dongsaeng with a reassuring gaze. “I’m fine, break ups are usually like this right? I’m just coping up, I guess.”

 

 

 

 

 

Few weeks later, Johnny continued to go home to an empty foreign apartment. Usually, he’d get three hours of sleep, four if the universe is being generous with him. Sleep is something hard to catch these days. But Johnny doesn’t take it seriously like he should, instead, he keeps himself productive during the ungodly hours he’s not able to close his eyes. More often times, he’d try to compose a song, or cook a complicated recipe Taeyong would have share to him, no matter what it is, he’d desperately try to get away with the fact that he couldn’t sleep because no one is going to cuddle him and sing soft lullabies against his ears anymore now that he’s broken up with Taeil, possibly the guy who he have loved the most in his entire life.

He still sees Taeil in their company building but Johnny thinks even though they promised nothing would change, things did change before they can even grasp control with the situation. It’s hard for Johnny of course, because he still have the urge to close the gap of him and Taeil and bury his nose against the latter’s head wanting to just take all the scent he can get. Johnny wonders if Taeil is having a hard time too. He’s still as quiet as ever. Johnny couldn’t quite differentiate the silence of the elder. Still, he wanted to believe that Taeil misses him too, at least he likes to create a lie to make himself a little bit better.

“Taeil hyung said you can go back to our dorm now,” Taeyong chewed his pork cutlet and clicked his chopsticks pointing at Johnny. Taeyong texted him wanting to catch up with him since he finally had a free time to spare, as usual for the leader of NCT himself. “Also, you look like shit. Are you even sleeping?”

Johnny just stared at his leader boringly. “I host a midnight radio show, Tae. As if I’ll ever get enough sleep.”

“Yeah, but you look extra shit. Jaehyun looks fine though.”

Johnny rolled his eyes and gulped his glass of beer in one go. He heard Taeyong muttered ‘jesus fucking christ’ “Jaehyun always looked good.”

“Yeah, and stop dodging the topic.” Taeyong made a face when Johnny disgustingly burped for fun. “Taeil said—“

“I heard you the first time,” Johnny couldn’t help but to hiss in annoyance. “And I don’t want to go back, yet.”

Taeyong nodded in understanding. “I see, but just want you to know. He’s as fucked up as you right now.”

Johnny doesn’t know how to react. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is he’s not sleeping well too, like you. And he’s not eating properly too. Unlike you, I guess, you still eat like a pig.” Taeyong licked his chopsticks and proceeded to eat again as if what he just said isn’t alarming.

Johnny wanted to curse at his leader. “What the fuck, Tae?”

“Ok sorry, you don’t eat like a pig, you—“

“That’s not it,” Johnny felt his head getting dizzy plus he’s getting pissed. “Tell me you’re force feeding Taeil hyung.”

Taeyong got into a serious face now that he caught Johnny’s mood. “He won’t, even Sicheng can’t make him to.”

A rush of worry formed into the core of his chest. Winwin is considered Johnny’s formidable competition and If even Sicheng can’t make him eat, his ex-lover is at his outmost worst. Johnny couldn’t help but try his hardest not to pull out his phone and call his hyung. Taeyong noticed this so he pulled his own phone instead and started dialling.  
“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m calling Taeil hyung—“

“Are you crazy—“

“Ah hyung, hello.” Taeyong motioned him to shut up and put the call into speaker mode. Johnny’s chest thumped hard as he heard Taeil’s quiet greeting from the other line. It sounded like his hyung has gotten up from his slumber just now. Taeyong never gave him the phone, to which he is so relieved. Johnny thinks he still can’t talk to Taeil yet, not now when he just heard his shy muffled voice and perhaps he wants to cry from that.

“I’m eating out now with a friend,” Taeyong started and smirked at Johnny. “I suddenly thought of you because I’m eating pork cutlet.”

There was an awkward silence from Taeil. “Okay?”

Taeyong cleared his throat, clearly nothing is making sense to Taeil. “I mean, I was just wondering if you ate dinner yet? I’ll take out for you.”

“Ahhh,” Johnny realized he missed that familiar tone. “I see, I already ate dinner though.”

“Or maybe you have other food in mind? I can buy them for you, hyung---”

“I already did eat, Taeyong. Thank you for offering. Go home safely.” Taeil cut his leader off with a soft goodbye and ended the call leaving Taeyong and Johnny blinking at each other for a few seconds before Taeyong finally sighed.

“Johnny, you need to go home. He really is out there starving himself.”

Home. Johnny wanted to laugh. Their dorm was indeed his home. It was home to every single member. But now Johnny only remembers how he couldn’t breathe properly through the pain of having Taeil in the same space and not being able to claim him anymore. Everything about the dorm suffocated him.

Johnny bitterly smiled at the leader he dearly loved. “I can’t.”

“I told you, Taeil won’t mind—“

“I know. I’m—I can’t be with same space as him…yet. I can’t, Taeyong, I still love him. It’s killing me.”

Taeyong stared at him with such sad eyes. Johnny feels pathetic right now. But knowing since it’s Taeyong who’s with him right now, he can be like this for a while: a weak piece of shit. “I’m sorry,” Taeyong tried again, careful with his tone. “I just asked to meet you today to have you go back. That’s all, really. I didn’t mean to guilt trip you with Taeil not eating properly. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

Taeyong is too kind for this world, Johnny thought. “It’s okay. I didn’t take it like that. “ Johnny licked his lips. He noticed everything is drying him up. “I know you’re just worried about hyung, I understand. I’m sorry for being selfish and not wanting to go back. It doesn’t have to be me who saves Taeil hyung anymore, Tae. It doesn’t work like that anymore.”

Johnny felt his tears edging to fall but he held it all in. He still never cried since the breakup; it was hard keeping it all in. But he figured if he loses to his tears, he loses to everything.

This sucks, he thought, he’s dying to run back to Taeil.

“Youngho.” Taeyong snapped him out of his miserable thoughts. “I’m calling Jaehyun,” He fished his phone again. “You need to get drunk.”

Johnny chuckled emptily. “We’re already drinking.”

Taeyong scoffed. “Fuck no, I mean shit faced drunk. You are obviously sad, and I’m going to get those tears out. Stop bottling them, they need to breathe.”

“Wha—No, Taeyong. Go home.” Johnny interrupted. “Go home and feed Taeil hyung. I’d appreciate it more.” Johnny mumbled the last part softly.

Taeyong gave him a pitiful look. “You know he’d only listen to you, right? You always had ways when it’s Taeil hyung.”

Johnny honestly thinks it’s the other way around.

Taeil always had ways when it’s Johnny.

Or more like Johnny allowed only Taeil to have his ways on him.

 

 

 

 

That night Johnny went home again to his empty soulless apartment. He didn’t bother taking a shower since he felt too heavy to move. He dropped to his bed the second he entered the dark quiet room. He heard his phone beeped for a quick second but he ignored it knowing it's probably Taeyong thanking him for dinner or forcing him to sleep. Speaking of sleep, looks like Johnny will get a decent amount of hours tonight. He silently thanked the humongous amount of beer he unnecessarily drank with Taeyong. Fortunately, He doesn't have any schedule tomorrow. He planned of spending it by catching up to sleep which would perhaps not happen due to the fact that he has a worsening case of insomnia.

His phone beeped again. This time he groaned and grabbed out of his butt pocket.

[1:42 am] Taeyongie to Johnny: I just got home. Winwin said Taeil didn't touch his lunch and his dinner. I know I shouldn't seek for your help but please? Talk to him? As a friend.

Johnny hated himself for having the feeling of wanting to rush out and go shove food on Taeil. His chest feels heavy from worry. But he didn't have the balls to go back and help him. Going back to the dorm isn't an option yet. Not yet.

[1:45 am] Johnny to Taeyongie: I'll see what I can do. Good night.

[1:46 am] Taeyongie to Johnny: Good night :(

Johnny decided to just not have any complicating thoughts at all and just go straight up tell Taeil to eat. That way he won't be too much of a coward to send it. He decided on that plan and just typed randomly thanking his semi-drunk brain tonight for giving his confidence.

[2:01 am] Johnny to taeilddybear: please eat. Ty hyung paid me to do this.

He grunted loudly at how lame it was but still clicked the send button as it was the original plan. He didn't expect a reply actually, so when his phone beeped again not even a minute later, he lost his breath when he saw Taeil's name on the screen.

[2:02 am] Taeilddybear to Johnny: I can't believe Taeyong actually reached out to you about this >:(

[2:03 am] Johnny to Taeilddybear: If the whole team is practically shoving food in your face, maybe it's time to take the hint and eat, hyung.

[2:05 am] Taeilddybear to Johnny: But I'm eating properly though???  
[2:05 am] Taeilddybear to Johnny: can i call ? you know i hate texting

Johnny smirked happily feeling his chest beats up with a familiar speed. Suddenly he felt close with Taeil again. But then again, he knows better than having his hopes high up.

[2:08 am] Johnny to Taeilddybear: not until you eat.

Johnny burst out laughing when his phone started ringing anyway. He fully knows how impatient his hyung is when it comes to texting but he figures he'd tease him a little more.

[2:10 am] Taeilddybear to Johnny: jerk i already ate dinner. You want me to get fat?

[2:11 am] Johnny to Taeilddybear: pic or it didn't happen

Taeil's name ring up on his phone again. Johnny didn't even bother restraining his laugh for the second time.

[2:15 am] Taeilddybear to Johnny: jerk!!  
[2:15 am] Taeilddybear to Johnny: I told you I ate !!

Johnny and Taeil surprisingly spent the deep night texting each other, Taeil attempting to call in between and Johnny rejecting every call as a tease. He didn’t know when he drifted off to sleep or how long have he been texting Taeil. He woke up with his phone practically battery dead beside him. The pain in his head aren’t as bad as the ones he had the days before, but still felt a bit dizzy nonetheless probably because the last night’s alcohol but he didn’t took worry as much. He groaned as he buries his face against the pillow.

Somehow he fears opening his phone. He was evidently drunk last night and he quite don’t remember how the conversation with Taeil went down before he gave up to sleep. And to be quite honest, he can admit he’s the lamest person when he gets drunk. Perhaps he just wants to delay the second-hand embarrassment he would have from his drunk self.  
After he took a long shower, consisting of him staring blankly at random times he actually questioned himself if the alcohol is still in his system, he finally opened his phone and catches up with the unread messages. There wasn’t much, the last message he got from Taeil was a platonic good night with no emojis and surprisingly Johnny is okay with it.

One new message appeared that made Johnny’s morning ten times better than all the mornings he had in a month.

[9:03 am] Taeyongie to Johnny: Taeil hyung ate his breakfast today!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark smiled softly at Johnny who just arrived on the recording studio where him, Jaehyun and Taeil are currently in. The younger directed his gaze at chinese take out on both Johnny’s hands. Johnny noticed this and shyly lifted them in front of his members, telling them he bought them lunch. Jaehyun was the first to snatch the bags and cheered for the free food. Mark was just behind him inserting giddy comments here and there but Johnny wasn’t actually paying attention. His eyes are on Taeil who just lifted his head from the lyrics he assumes the elder studied for an hour now. Taeil shifted his eyes from the happy boys to Johnny who was standing awkwardly attempting a friendly wave. Johnny was given a soft smile as Taeil lifted himself from his seat to join the other guys who were now busy munching their food.

“I was actually thinking of having chinese take out just now,” Taeil mumbled and Johnny softly chuckled at him.

“Yeah, right as if you were actually thinking of eating for the whole day.” Johnny took the liberty to prepare Taeil’s share of food to which Taeil clicked his tongue to with a tail of whine to which he ignored anyway.

He didn’t actually know when it started--him force feeding Taeil, that is. It just kind of happened, he guessed. After having to talk to him through text messages, mostly of awkward pleas to get the elder to eat to which Taeil will obediently comply anyway but he insist sending them. Taeil did eventually send him daily pictures of food until it took Johnny much confidence to actually deliver the food to him. Taeil never said anything, no one from the group actually opened the topic for discussion. They just let the two reconnect again, waiting for them to be back from being good friends that they were originally were. And from Johnny’s perspective, Taeil was up for the idea. So he didn’t say anything and went with the flow as well.

“Wait but did you eat yet?” Taeil snapped his thought bubble. He was already halfway from finishing the food making Johnny feeling satisfied. He slumped down the couch beside Jaehyun who groaned at his weight but got ignored.

“Yes, I did. I went Italian today. I had two slices.”

Mark raised his eyebrow. “That’s like not a decent meal, especially for you.”

“Not when one slice is a size of my face.”

Mark chuckled, “Oh yeah, that changes it.”

He dramatically gasps. “Are you saying my face is huge?” He heard Taeil’s chuckle echoing the room. And Johnny felt his chest tightened at the sight of a happy Taeil in front of him.

Perhaps, Johnny finds it more difficult more than anyone else.

To be friends with Taeil again, without getting greedy enough to want more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He can’t believe it’s been three months since their break up when he finally decided to go back to the dorm. He announced his return a week ago to which only Taeyong and Jaehyun are happy about. Everyone else was complaining how Johnny was actually supposed to be living with them anyway (these were Yuta’s words). Taeyong assured Johnny that Yuta missed him as much as he did. (“And I missed you a lot, no one stacked up the hot chocos since you left, Mark is always whining. Yuta keeps asking your whereabouts, he’s just being a tsundere. Ignore him. He loves you to death.”) Johnny knows this more than anyone so he just assured everyone that the hot choco packs are coming back to which only Mark celebrated.

The thing is, he planned on returning exactly a week ago. He liked the idea of returning but hate the fact that he have to do the packing by himself so he gathered all the boys who are currently in the dorm to ask for their help.

The first one to reject was Haechan who started fake coughing. “Sorry, hyung. I’m glad to help but my body says no. And my priority is my health, I am a young—“

Johnny rolled his eyes. “I get it,” He looked at the members with intent. “Anyone else who doesn’t have fake illness?”

Taeil raised his hand when no one did. Johnny blinked a few. The whole room tensed up all of the sudden which is ridiculous in Johnny’s opinion. Taeil just gave him a soft smile which he returned with a nervous one but he hoped Taeil didn’t notice.

“Well, I’m free for the whole day. These guys are booked later until the night later so…I can help.” Johnny looked at his till tensed members silently asking to join the two of them but Haechan just mockingly faked a cough again. He was about sixty percent sure Yuta was drooling off on the couch and Winwin is just smiling nervously to him. Johnny just sighed in defeat.

 

 

 

And so Johnny and Taeil stand at the dark apartment , at this point, Johnny regrets deciding to ask Taeil for help. He didn’t remember his place to be this messy and looking at the mess he owns with Taeil is just giving him more reason to just slam his head in embarrassment  
“Your place…” Taeil started. Johnny averted his eyes to anything but Taeil because the judgment is about to bomb down to his face. “…is a fuck ton of a mess.” Taeil laughed at his embarrassed face wholeheartedly.  
Johnny just chuckled with him, a familiar tightness in his chest once again.

 

 

 

 

They were in the middle of cleaning up and the room was getting slightly decent compare to how it used to be when Johnny decided it’s okay to live like a pig in such space.  
Thanks to a very helpful Taeil, who pretty much did the cleaning and Johnny just being there for assistance. Taeil doesn’t seem to mind though. Johnny was glad the whole time until he noticed Taeil stopping on his track to look at something as he was in the middle of cleaning. Johnny stopped as well, he knew he fucked up when Taeil opened the big ass fridge and suddenly the elder’s face falls. Johnny could only gulp.

“Johnny?” Taeil called but Johnny is few feet away before he even called. The elder took his gaze to meet Johnny’s and the latter couldn’t read his mind right now. He usually does, but he’s afraid at this moment he doesn’t when Taeil opened the fridge entirely. Johnny didn’t have to take a second look to know what’s inside, he knew how much fuckery is held inside such a metal box.

“Most of these are empty, Johnny.” Taeil did the courtesy to pull out two empty bottles from a group of absurd number of alcohol inside regardless if empty or not. “How much are you drinking a day?” the elder spitted.

Johnny sighed, “I don’t drink a lot, hyung.” Actually he does, more than he can admit to himself. He liked to believe that the alcohol helped him sleep, which he is aware it doesn’t. But he’d fool himself anyway because then he has no more to blame but himself.

“How much?” Taeil insisted, determined to get an answer from him.

Johnny sighed. “Like four or five bottles I’m not sure,” Johnny tries to lie.

“A day?”

“Taeil—“

“I’m your hyung, Johnny. Answer me.”

Johnny doesn’t. He remained his tongue knot inside his mouth but he successfully mumbled a soft apology which was drowned by the noise of Taeil angrily taking out the tremendous amount of empty bottles in his fridge. Johnny is now slowly realizing how much broken the breakup has done to him. And he is absolutely sure Taeil is realizing this too right now.

“Is this because of me?” Taeil asked out of nowhere. He has stopped on his track but his eyes are not looking at him but Johnny would wish he would look at him.

“No, hyung. Please don’t take it like that,”

Taeil closed the fridge’s door harshly. “I’m not seeing any hints of real food here, Johnny. Are you even living properly for the past three months?”

No.

But why would Johnny admit that, right?

“I can’t believe you do all the stuff you’ve done to have me eat properly when you’re not doing a good job for yourself.” Taeil decided to face him finally, Johnny can see the tears pooling in his eyes. It was obvious Taeil is biting his tongue to stop himself from breaking a tear. “Don’t even start on me with your lousy excuses, I always ask Jaehyun if you were okay, sometimes he would tell me you’re fine. But most times it would be ‘ah, johnny hyung looks shit today,’ you’re probably not sleeping at all, you’re overworking yourself. Jaehyun said you’d take the challenge to pre-record at least five sessions in one night. I’m so glad Jaehyun was there to stop you—“

“You broke up with me, Taeil. I don’t think it should concern you how I deal with myself.”

Taeil is crying now. He’s not even trying to fight it anymore. Johnny stood his ground in a cold stature. He loses to his tear, he loses to everything; He constantly reminded himself.

“Then you shouldn’t have busied yourself asking me for my meals, no? We broke up right? That shouldn’t concern you—“

“The group is looking out for you, I’m just taking my part—“

“Then who’s looking out for you?!” Taeil slammed his fist against the damn fridge, denting it big time. Johnny didn’t care though. He kept looking at Taeil’s crying face and how he wanted to spit out a question he had been dying to ask, perhaps the real reason why he wasn’t getting any sleep because of the possibilities of answers he had come up inside his overthinking mind. He wouldn’t have been dealing with any of the alcohol or the lack of appetite if only he had the courage to ask this single damn question that made him the most miserable as he is today.

“Why did you break up with me?”

Taeil was a bit taken back by the sudden question, Johnny searching his eyes for an answer. But Taeil’s eyes are just full of sadness and pity and that’s the last thing he wanted to see. He gulped the lump forming in his throat and bit his inner cheek until he can taste his own blood.

You lose to your tears, you lose to everything.

You lose to yourself.

“Please get out, Taeil hyung.” Johnny silently plead, not liking the taste of blood in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So this was supposed to be a one shot but I figured a cliffhanger would be nice on this one. I promise the second part is coming very soon. 
> 
> Please leave a comment, I wanna chat with all the intellectual jonhil stans out there! Join me in my misery ;(


	2. Saving Johnny pt. 1

Johnny wondered as he lay likely to be lifeless on his uncomfortable couch, what Taeil’s tears meant at that time. Was it out of sadness? Pity? Johnny is not sure as well. Or should he come up with another lie to make himself less as miserable as he would want to admit. Should he believe that Taeil’s tears were out of love?

Johnny heard a loud banging on his door. He jolted when he heard Taeyong’s voice screaming on the other side. He runs immediately to open it to know what the sudden emergency was but when he did he was greeted by a crying Taeyong and Jaehyun holding his shoulder from behind. Taeyong was huffing for air for a second before he threw himself to Johnny. Johnny caught his frail slightly shaking body in time, feeling confused and overwhelmed overall. It was then he realized that it was him who was the emergency.

“I’m so sorry.” Taeyong apologized softly against his chest. Johnny turned to Jaehyun with a questioning look, Jaehyun just looked sad overall looking at him. Johnny hated everything he saw in Jaehyun’s eyes.

“Taeil called me, he told me to go to you fast, I was so scared I thought something happened to you.” Taeyong moved away from Johnny a bit. His tears are still beautifully streaming down his face although Johnny couldn’t see it well as it was already dark. But nonetheless, he’s sure Taeyong is beautiful even when he’s crying. “He told me to help you,” Taeyong licked his lips. “—to move, he—“ Taeyong stopped to collect himself, his both arms still gripping strongly at Johnny’s. “He was crying so hard, I thought you had died, I was so stupid,” his leader chuckled emptily. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing. I just, I was so scared when he told me everything.”

Johnny’s body suddenly decided to have a difficulty on breathing. He feels so suffocated around Taeyong’s arms. He flinches a few times and Taeyong is quick to let go. “I-I’m fine.” He assures the both guys when he steadied his breathing slowly.

“Johnny,” Taeyong firmly started. Using the tone he had always used when he leads their group. “Jaehyun is going to pack up the things you needed for the rest of the week. Then we’ll figure out how we’ll move the rest of your things next week, okay?”

Jaehyun, as if on cue, passed by him walking straightly towards his room. Johnny glanced at Jaehyun who immediately disappeared into his dark bedroom. Taeyong was still standing in front of him but Johnny didn’t dare to direct his eyes on his leader. “I don’t understand,”

“You’re going home tonight, Johnny. You’re not coming back to this place.” Taeyong said something else but Johnny didn’t quite catch them because he was stuck with the mentioned word just now.

Home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny placed his earphones carefully on their original place after bidding good night to their listeners. Jaehyun already got up from his seat having a few questions to their noona regarding the future guests. Johnny jolted fast up his seat with the intention to join the conversation but he was immediately pulled back on his chair when his head decided to black out for a moment. Jaehyun was already on his side not even a second later asking if he was okay, he just gave him a soft chuckle.

“Yeah, my legs we’re just sleeping apparently, that’s all.” Johnny tries to stand again and was successful this time. He nodded to Jaehyun who seemed convince, his worried look disappearing in no time.

They were walking down silently at the small hall when Johnny saw Taeyong patiently waiting at the end. Jaehyun tore his eyes away from his phone and walked ahead towards his leader, Johnny was just silently following him.

Taeyong’s face lits up upon seeing them. He flashed Johnny a smile and the latter returned the same. “Good work today, the two of you.”

“You too, Tae.” The three of them went down to their car and Johnny took his usual front seat. He suddenly feels heavy but he figured it’s nothing he can’t take. He kept his tired eyes glued on the window even though he really can’t see anything more than the silhouette of the city. He’s starting to realize that it was his eyes that were the most heavy all along.

He can hear the silent chat going on between Jaehyun and Taeyong who were sitting behind him. The two probably caught up with his lack of mood to talk so they let him be during the ride.

Johnny tried to test the water as he usually would do every night. “How was your schedule today, Tae?”

Taeyong was a bit taken back for a moment but he calmly answered. “It was fine, it ended earlier than we expected. I have spare time so I figured I’d come home together with you two.”

Lies. Johnny thought. But he shoots his leader a small nod before proceeding back on looking out on the window, hoping he’d get at least a short nap. He could hear Taeyong going back with his little chat with Jaehyun. He didn’t bother listening and bore himself with his own heaviness.

It’s been two weeks since he returned from his apartment. Taeyong forbid him to go back to his apartment alone. Jaehyun, Yuta and Mark volunteered to help move out his things instead. Johnny, as Taeyong said, has no right to complain so he let them be. He started sharing rooms with Jaehyun since the team decided it’s not the best option for Johnny to go back with being roommates with his ex-lover again especially when they are in quite bad terms right now. Winwin, as Jaehyun’s original roommate didn’t complain at the sudden switch of rooms, he didn’t forget to apologize to the Chinese member for the inconvenience to which the latter just shrugged off and reasoned ‘It’s been a while since I shared room with Taeil-hyung anyway.’

Johnny remembered arriving at the dorm two weeks ago, late at night, him feeling the weakest he ever felt before while holding his luggage he refused Jaehyun to carry. The younger seemed to pack more stuffs than he needed for a week as Taeyong originally instructed him but he didn’t complain. He was quite surprised when he saw Mark waiting in the dimly lit living room, looking anxious as hell. He didn’t miss how Mark’s eyes are swollen red and his nose is pink and stuffy when the younger practically run to him and hugged him. Johnny’s heart swell as he gave in to wrap his arms around the younger’s back. He gently patted him when he started hearing Mark silently sniffing against his chest. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes before Taeyong was bold enough to tell Mark that Johnny needs to rest. Mark complied immediately, slowly letting his hyung go while looking slightly embarrassed. He then bid Johnny good night and Johnny didn’t stop himself from ruffling the younger’s hair. Johnny hoped Mark heard his silent mumble to go sleep with no worry as he was okay.

Johnny more than hoped he would do the same.

Taeyong helped him settle his bed that night. Johnny regrets not bringing any single plushie back with him. He scanned his plushie-less bed and can’t help but to look dissatisfied, earning a chuckle from Jaehyun. After he took a quick shower, he straight went to drop on his bed finding himself getting frustrated when the feeling of sleepiness slipped away from his system. He didn’t miss Taeyong coming in their room half an hour later when Jaehyun is sound as sleep and Johnny was barely making an effort to close his eyes. He was fast to pretend to sleep and waited for Taeyong to do something. He heard the door clicked again and Taeyong was gone in a second as if he was just checking if Johnny was sleeping like he should. Only for Johnny to realize when he smelled a familiar scent of the intruder that it wasn’t his leader who entered the room.

Needless to say, Taeyong has been taking care of him more than he usually does. The leader has been fetching him and Jaehyun every night they do a pre-record or live streaming. At first Johnny thought it was all coincidence until his leader started to appear at the end of the hall more often times that he started to stop believing it was nothing but a play of chance.

Everyone else was trying to be subtle about his ‘situation’. For example, Yuta would always make sure to make Johnny’s cup of coffee every morning even though Johnny really doesn’t want it at that particular time of the day but he’ll take it anyway. He finds it cute too, when Yuta wouldn’t let him alone for a minute and would force a small chat with him. Usually the topic solely remains to him (most times they would talk about Winwin) and Johnny would just sit there and listen, very amused.

Mark was the most obvious, not to Johnny’s surprise to be honest. The younger would always make sure his water intakes are of exactly two litres a day. Johnny would really not surprise himself when Mark starts to pop out of nowhere holding a bottle of water on his hand. Sometimes he’d tell Yuta to stop making coffee for him and just let him drink water in the morning. Yuta would call him ridiculous and Mark would give up by then not really wanting to pick a fight with the manliest brain member in the group since he’s already bound to lose.

And well, Taeil.

Taeil didn’t dare to go close to him unless it was needed. Johnny didn’t care as he really wanted to be away from the elder as well. The two of them continued to separate themselves with the cold wall they built together.

But that didn’t mean Taeil didn’t take care of him.

Johnny knew Taeil was the one who convinced Taeyong to make sure he wouldn’t slip to their practice room every night after their radio show (which Johnny usually does back when he was living in a separate apartment). He overheard the two of them when he was sneaking to get his midnight snack in the middle of the night. Taeyong didn’t have the problem agreeing, as to Johnny’s perspective. Taeyong probably actually wanted to it voluntarily even without the elder’s persuasion.

Taeil would always wake up ahead of everyone to prepare breakfast and would let Haechan lie that he was the one who prepared them instead. Johnny knew about this the second he took a bite of the food. As Taeil’s lover for years, it’s impossible for him not to recognize his cooking. Johnny wonders why Taeil would have to lie about this but he remained looking oblivious and just thanked god he gets to eat Taeil’s food after a long time.

Taeil has been taking care of him secretly.

And Johnny wanted to cry from that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny was just getting a glass of water during the middle of the night since his sleep was again too hard to catch. He was contemplating to give in to using pills just to get enough rest when he heard footsteps coming from the living room. It was almost four in the morning so the members should be sleeping already, Johnny thought. He quietly strides across the hall and saw a small figure in the dark moving near the door.

Johnny knew who it was already but decided to make sure so he walked towards the switch to the lights on. Taeil was shocked by the way he almost stumbled in his step while reaching for his shoes. He turned immediately to Johnny who was just shoot him a stone look.

“I-I thought you…” Taeil opened his mouth only to shut it again. He blinked a few times and Johnny had to stop himself from being flustered at the sight of his small hyung with a puffy woken face looking straight confused to him. “I was just about to get some milk.”

“I was just at the kitchen; we still have two full bottles of them, hyung.”

“Oh.” Taeil nodded while attempting to chuckle. “I forgot. Thanks.”

He nodded and turned back to go to his room when Taeil stopped him.

“Did you sleep at all?”

He slightly turned to face his hyung but felt the similar pain he’s been feeling since their confrontation, only now it’s more painful so he just gave him a nod and attempted to walk away again.

“Johnny,”

“Stop checking out if I am sleeping or not, hyung. I knew it was you who keep peeking at our door. You don’t need to do that—“

“How…”

Johnny will never admit that it was because Taeil still hasn’t changed his choice of soap for the past three years that they’ve been together.

Or the fact that only Taeil would be persistent enough to wake up in the middle of the night to check up on him.

He probably panicked when he saw Johnny out of bed and assumed he sneaked out to go overwork himself in their practice room again.

Its things like this.

Things like Taeil’s kindness, that made it seriously so difficult to stay mad for a long time.

“I’m sorry, Johnny.” Taeil started softly.

Johnny felt another confrontation coming and he’s practically scared at this point so he does everything to stop it.

“It’s okay, hyung.” Taeil shot him a surprised look. “I—want to apologize too, you know.”

“For what?”

“For stuff, you know?” He lamely tried not to choke on his own words. “Anyway, let’s not fight anymore. It’s tiring you know? I know you’re getting tired too... I guess I want to tell you I can be friends again—with you.”

Johnny convinced himself he didn’t see the hint of disappointment that hit Taeil’s face for a few seconds before it lights up to give him a soft smile, nodding a little.

“I’m fine with that.” Johnny nodded slowly, not really convinced if this conversation would make any difference to their relationship in the nearest future, but hoping is what he can only do for now. It’s not like he can magically take back the pain that has meddled between them right away. Johnny thinks those were never getting out of the frame. So the least thing to do is to trust time and its stereotypical character to heal wounded hearts.

Well, not that Johnny believes on that.

“What are you doing so late anyway?” Taeil started slowly while putting back his coat back to the rack.

Johnny raised his almost empty glass of water. “I was really just getting water,”

Taeil looked amused for a moment. “You mean Mark is not supplying you enough of those?”

He chuckled louder than he attempts it to. “False. I think he may have taken his water boy job quite too seriously. I have to hide from him because I’m scared I’d be dead from too much water, if that’s possible.”

“Well, that’s better than having you alcohol poison yourself.” Taeil look like he regrets spilling those words and was about to apologize when Johnny just chuckled again—

“Right,”

“I’m sorry, Johnny—“

“What? It’s fine, hyung. I’m not a kid. I know I fucked up big time.”

“No, I mean, we both did, in the breakup—I mean. We have to stop lying to ourselves it didn’t scar us, it did—to me. I know you too.”

Johnny waved him off cautiously. “I really don’t want to have this conversation right now, not when I only just walked out from our room at 3 am to get damn water. “

Taeil’s mouth gaped like he wanted to disagree. He bit his lips nervously. “Well, okay. Tell me when you’re ready to talk—“

“I really don’t want to anymore.” Johnny cuts off rudely, he’s not sure if that was his intention but his mouth acted by his instinct. “It’s done. We broke up. We’re going to try to be friends now, let’s not dwell with the scars and stuff. I’ll live with them well, but I’ll deal with them alone. After all, that’s what breaking up is all about, right?”

Taeil is not looking at him anymore. Johnny ignored how his eyes glistened against the small amount of light of the lamp nearby.

“And if we don’t end up as friends again?”

Johnny smiled. “That’s not gonna happen, Taeil hyung. After all, our relationship—while it lasted, was established from a friendship. I don’t think we’ll end up completely hating each other enough to throw the friendship away.”

But Johnny figures, they’ll just end up lying to themselves. And Johnny felt the confidence that he can live with that.

He’s not going to completely lose Taeil just because he’s greedy to want more.

 

 

 

 

 

One thing Johnny is mindful about when he was lovers with the eldest member of the team, was the latter does not get easily jealous, in any set of situation possible ever. It’s more like Taeil has mastered the skill of patience which amazes Johnny most of the times. Sometimes, Haechan will try to tease him and would point of to a random hot guy or girl whenever they’ll be boring themselves at the waiting area while asking if he thinks his Johnny hyung would smash or pass; the elder would just shrug it off, or just pull off the ‘I’m better in bed’ card which is Johnny’s favourite if he could be honest. In any case available though, Johnny never dared to make him intentionally jealous.

Well, not until Ten came in the frame.

Ten was very open to point out how Johnny was his ideal type out the growing number of members. Taeil knew this way before he started dating Johnny but he never really talked about him getting irritated by the extra affection Johnny has been receiving from the Thai member. Until Taeil exploded at one of Johnny’s birthday bash later when Ten daringly gifted Johnny a framed message of his famous ‘I want to xxx with your—‘ from way back their rookie days. Taeil didn’t hesitate to snatch the gift fast from Johnny’s hand just to shove it back to Ten. “You don’t want to be messing with me, Ten.”

“Feisty. I like that.”

“Ten.” Johnny warned. Ten just shot him a look.

“What? It’s just a funny gift,”

“Literally, no one laughed.”

Ten smirked. “You almost laughed until twisted panties right there made it a big deal—“

Johnny couldn’t remember what happened after someone cuts him off. It was all blurry that night, patches of memory of Taeyong trying to get off Ten from the room while Yuta was encouraging Doyoung to let go of Taeil so he can film everything. Johnny was pretty sure Jaehyun was accidentally pushed over by Kun while trying to claim Ten back to safety. Haechan can be heard randomly singing to give the situation an appropriate background music and Johnny forgot who was with the younger that tapped the table so loudly as if they were drums. The other members not mentioned just continued chatting as if nothing is out of normal at that moment.

Johnny didn’t remember how Taeil and Ten came in good terms again. And to be honest, Johnny thinks it’s all just a hidden camera prank.

So when he heard Ten’s voice booming at their hall one day, when Johnny is getting his sleep at the peak of afternoon, it didn’t surprise him when Taeil’s voice can be heard along too, sounding to be in disagreement with the other member. He groaned in annoyance when he heard the door opened forcefully.

“What do you mean he’s still sleeping? He’s clearly awake, hyung!” Ten whined as he dropped his body beside Johnny’s.

Johnny just distanced himself and buried his face against his pillow, silently running after his sleepiness that threatened to go away in a second. It was Saturday and he’s catching up with sleep again, like he always tries to do. But it’s clearly not working when he only started to fall asleep at 7 am and everyone else was starting to get up. Jaehyun was kind enough not to talk to him when he was clearly frustrated from being awake the whole night. But he left the room early so Johnny could have his own space. Johnny reminded himself to thank his roommate later, maybe but him a meal or something.

But now he has to deal with Ten.

“Ten, when did you arrive?”

Ten beamed beside him, facing him immediately. “Kun and I went ahead early; the rest of the China team will stay there until next week. But they’ll come back surely before we begin practicing for smtown.”

“Right,” Johnny hummed. “Now get off my bed and let me have some sleep.”

“You heard him, Ten.” Taeil suddenly speaks. Johnny honestly didn’t remember he’s been standing there all along. “He hasn’t been sleeping since…” Taeil trails off but caught his tongue on time. “…last week.”

Taeil was meant to say three months ago.

Ten nodded. “Maybe because you need a new bed plushie.”

Johnny rolls his eyes as he knew a lame attempt to flirt was about to drop but Kun thankfully strides the room calmly, cutting off the Thai member immediately.

“Hi, Johnny hyung.” Johnny waved at the china team’s leader who nodded towards Taeil’s way as well. “I’ll go take that brat now, you can proceed to sleeping Johnny hyung.”

Johnny buried his face on his pillow again, groaning in relief. “Thanks, Kun!”

The whole room echoed Ten’s whine as the chinese leader dragged him away from the sleeping giant on the bed. Johnny hummed in satisfaction when he heard the door clicking shut but his mind is fully awake by now but he’s trying to force shut his eyes for a while to rest them longer.

He almost screamed like a bitch when he felt a the bed dip beside him realizing he wasn’t alone. He turned to his side only to have his heart thump faster than anxiety can ever do. Taeil was facing him with his head almost drowning at the depth of the pillow, the cutest sight Johnny has ever seen for the last months if he must say. Taeil was blinking slowly while trying not to break eye contact with him.

Johnny on the other hand was trying to normally breathe while trying to not breathe hard at the same time as to not turn his hyung off with his morning breathe, not like Taeil would mind but he isn’t taking any more risks. For a few seconds he thought about crying when he was suddenly feeling overwhelmed.  
This is the first time he was this close to Taeil again,

And god he looks so beautiful.

“Did you have a nice sleep?” Taeil softly mumbles while trying to not look at him anymore. Johnny saw a tint of pink appearing at the elder’s face and he struggled to stop himself from shower him morning smooches.

Johnny forgot to respond for a second there but he nodded once when he finally regained his sanity. Taeil smiled warmly.

“Are they still hurting?”

“Huh?”

Taeil reached for the strands of hair that decided to fall along his face. Taeil looked so vulnerably focused on clearing his face that Johnny just lost his breath and his will to function all together.

“Your head, I mean.” Taeil continues and looked him straight ahead again. Johnny noticed Taeil’s eyes are extra big today probably from him getting a nice sleep. Johnny decided a long ago that Taeil’s eyes are his most favourite treasures.

Until, well, the treasure isn’t for him to enjoy anymore.

“Jaehyun told me you were a bit cranky in the morning. Your eyebrows are furrowed a lot these days too,”

Johnny smirks, “Does Jaehyun report everything to you now, huh?”

“Yes, because you’re too stubborn to tell us what’s bothering you.”

Johnny wants to laugh at that but he isn’t taking any offense. He’s a stubborn alright.

“Are you taking them?” Taeil jolts up all of the sudden before Johnny could even get enough of his face near him. Johnny knows Taeil is talking about the sleeping pills he’s been contemplating about. He’s asked for advice from his hyung just a few days ago to which his co-member told him he’d be making sure he’d take him to the hospital if the worst case has happened. Johnny was too much of a coward to still take them though.

“No, uhm.”

“You don’t trust me?”

Johnny joins Taeil to hold into his arm, more of a cling. “Oh god, no that’s not it.” He licked his lips and Taeil watched him do it unknowingly. “It’s scary, that’s all. I just feel like I’m really alone on this. Like yeah, you’d tell me I’m not but you guys aren’t the one taking them.” Taeil is still looking at his lips. Johnny can’t read his mind and it’s making him nervous. “I’ll be literally shut off and I won’t be able to wake up until the pills worn out, just thinking of that makes not want to sleep at all.”

Taeil finally looks up into his eyes, they’re still unreadable though. “You’re not taking ten pills, Johnny. You’ll wake up safely. I’ll lay next to you until you wake up,” he extends his hand to feel Johnny’s cold one.

“I promise, I’d be with you.”

Johnny doesn’t talk at all after that. He never remembered how Taeil convinced him to lie down again and started to feel immediately weak on his eyes when elder cuddled him again after months of his misery and lulled him back to slumber.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ah! Johnny! Good morning!” Taeyong greeted while munching on the chinese treats that Kun and Ten seemed to bring back with them. Most of the boys in the living room unintentionally looked at the wall clock but only Haechan was the boldest one to mumble ‘it’s literally five in the afternoon.’ But everyone pretended they didn’t hear anything.

Johnny proceeded to the kitchen to see anything to munch on except for those sweet his leader has been busying himself in the next room. He saw Ten sitting obediently while watching Kun prepare an early dinner. He furrowed his eyebrows when his eyes met Ten’s.

“He said I can’t cuddle him when he’s in the middle of cooking.” Ten explained before Johnny could ask.

That really didn’t make any sense to Johnny so Ten continued. “We’re dating.”

Oh.

“What?”

“Yeah, but he said it’s off limits when he’s in the kitchen.”

“No, fuck, what?”

Ten blinked. “I’m dating Kun?”

“Yeah, that—start with that,”

“Oh,” Ten nodded and held his arms out. “I’m dating Kun!”

Johnny had the urge to slam his face against his palms but his head is more painful than he could take today so he’d pass. He turned to Kun who seemed to not mind his intrusion. Ten slumped against the kitchen table with a pout. Kun noticed this and couldn’t stop letting an amused smile. Perhaps, they are more serious than Ten wants them to portray.

“Anyway, Johnny. Taeil hyung really got in my nerves a while ago.” Ten tapped the table before grabbing two wooden spoon Johnny didn’t know own. “He was about to throw his hands at me when I wanted to barge at your room, he told me I can’t do that because—“ he made a quotation gesture “you’re sleeping.”

Johnny wanted to chuckle from the image of his frustrated hyung trying to pull Ten from his door, but he pushed his thoughts away. “Well, I am sleeping.”

“He wasn’t like that before though.”

“You mean?” He leaned in the counter while daring Ten to speak which is quite not needed, because no matter what, Ten will talk.

“Being a jealous prick.” Ten says.

“Ten,” Kun butts in with a threatening tone. Johnny really thanked the chinese hyung’s presence because he’d probably flip if Ten gets more brutal with words more than he let out just now.

“Anyway, you are staying on the same room with Jae? Did Taeil kick you out?”

Johnny tensed up but hides it by grabbing one cold bottle of water from the fridge. “We broke up, actually. So yeah he kicked me out—no, I kicked myself out,”

The couple turned to him in a second.

“Wait, is this because of you going home to Chicago just a while back?”

“Ten,” Kun stops his lover immediately.

“What?” Ten asks, turning to Johnny after. “Why did he break up with you?”

Johnny has the option to walk out right now. But Taeil is on the living room and he’d get a hint that he has a concern by the way his face would show and he’s not really trying to torture himself to have Taeil getting glued on his side again asking him what’s wrong.

“How are you so sure I wasn’t the one who broke up with him?” Johnny countered, wanting to try and dodge the topic desperately.

Ten looked at him with a very disapproving look. “Because you are fucking in love with him,”

Well, he’s not lying.

“Did he really break up with you with that stupid thing he said while we were—“

Johnny shot him a look as if he’s been waiting to hear the next sentence since three months ago. Ten gaped his mouth entirely open as if he caught up with everything in a click. “Oh my god he didn’t tell you,”

“What did he say?” Johnny demanded, irritation starting to get into his system.

“What did anyone say?” Taeil humming happily when he interfered as if on cue and Johnny curses under his breath. Ten for the first time didn’t dare to speak.

Kun was the first time to break the awkward air. “Ten and I should go,”

“No, Kun. It’s okay. You continue what you’re doing. I will go back to my room.” Johnny cuts off passing by Taeil with a harsh brush of shoulders.

“Johnny? What was that about?” Taeyong was heard behind him before Johnny closes the door in a loud bang, clearly telling everyone to fuck off.

His head is hurting too much, too much for him to handle when he’s also trying to figure out what is actually happening. Ten knows why taeil broke up with him. Apparently, Kun knows as well. He didn’t even know Kun and Taeil was THAT close when both of them are the most quiet people from the group.

He doesn’t doubt it that Taeyong knows as well.

Probably everyone around him knows.

Everyone except for him.

This must be a fucking joke.

“Johnny please talk to me.” It’s Taeil. Of course it’s fucking Taeil. It has always been Taeil.

“Get out.” He spits like it’s fire but Taeil isn’t moving.

“Not again, no.”

“Then why,” Johnny gives up. “Ten knows! You don’t even like Ten and HE knows! Who among those boys in the fucking living room knows? Jaehyun? Haechan?! Everyone knows but me!”

“Calm down, Johnny. Not all of them know, please try to calm down.” Taeil is still not moving on his spot but Johnny can tell he’s trembling. Johnny never once has shouted to anyone on his whole history upon joining his team. Not even when Mark accidentally erased all his songs on time when he was just supposed to borrow his phone to message his manager, or back when Taeyong and him had a fight with the manager for overworking Haechan and Mark; Taeyong did all the scolding and he was just there having his back when shits goes down.

Not even when Taeil broke up with him.

“Johnny,”

“Tell me why,” Johnny demands angrily. He’s sure everyone in the dorm is hearing him right now but he doesn’t give a fuck. No one is going to stop him from knowing. Damn all these noise complains he’ll have to deal later from his backward ass neighbours. Screw his leader’s beating later for shouting at the eldest member. Damn everything.

“Your father wants you to have a child,” Taeil let the words spill out, falling in his tongue bitterly, softly but Johnny hears it.

“What?”

“Your dad, he’s—“ Taeil is now biting his lips again. As if he doesn’t want to dare to spill anymore.

“Tell me.”

“I know your dad wants to have grandchildren, I overheard you guys talking. I knew you guys we’re fighting.” Taeil decided to hide himself from the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. “I know you are actually planning to go home to fight with him personally, I don’t want that. He doesn’t want me in your life, Johnny. I understand that. I can’t give you what you want—“ Taeil is struggling to speak while sounding as if the tears have not defeated him. “You said you want to have children when you are twenty five. You are a healthy twenty eight year old man now. I’m starting to believe I’m the only one hindering you from getting what you want, and you don’t even know it’s me. You are born to be a father, Johnny. I always knew that.”

Johnny didn’t question how Taeil found out about his father’s growing concern on him. After all, Taeil always finds out things even if he hides it with his maximum effort.

“I want you.” Johnny whispers. “I planned to go back home to fight for you—us.”

Taeil was suddenly on his side, clutching both his arms with full desperation like his dear life depends on it. “I won’t be the one to cause all this hate, Johnny. You won’t be fighting the father you love so much with your whole fucking life for me. I’m not someone to give you reason to hate, Johnny.” Taeil cries on his chest but Johnny doesn’t move to hug him back. Johnny doesn’t feel anything at this point.

“I want to be the person to give you reason to love,” Taeil mumbles but Johnny doesn’t want to hear it anymore. “But I’m starting to think that I’m the one causing you all this—“ He chokes on his own words. “I was thinking ‘Did I ruin you?’ or ‘Did I do the right thing?’ and it kills me, Johnny, to see those bags under your eyes—when I know you’re alone and awake on your bed during the night, when you forget to eat sometimes. When you tell me you’re scared taking those pills—you are never scared, Johnny. I’m starting to think that I was your pain more than I was your love.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“I know, but I’ll take the blame so you don’t have to hate yourself any more than you have now.”

 

 

 

Jaehyun entered the room hours later and got startled with Johnny still sitting up on his bed. Johnny heard his roommate telling him that Ten and Kun went back to their respective dorm. Johnny didn’t say anything and Jaehyun respected that. The younger asked him if he wants to talk about it, attempting to comfort him but he smiled it off and told him to go to sleep.

Johnny clutches his hand on the bottle of pills he contemplated taking them for the nth time. He just wants to sleep and forget for the mean time. It’s driving him crazy now. That now that he knows that Taeil broke up with him out of love and concern on his being that he started hating himself so much.

Since when was he actually broken?

Was it really when Taeil decided to part with him?

Or was he actually broken way before that?

He’s not sure anymore.

He used to think so positively on things; That everything has its beauty. Everything will be fine. It’s always has been that way for him.

When he met Taeil, he has seen so much beauty on the man, inside and out. He’s always been in love with Taeil ever since he laid eyes on him. He grew to love the man with every beat of his heart that he forgot the things he had planned for his future—like wanting to have kids.

Sure, Johnny wants to have kids but he won’t have them if it’s not with Taeil.

When his father demanded to end things with him, his first instinct was to fight. It got so bad that the manager gave the group a month break so Johnny would fix his family issues, so bad that his father actually threaten to disown him and having to have to phone with his crying mother begging him to go home and talk to his dad personally.

That’s when Taeil broke up with him.

Everything is making sense now. Johnny just really wants to only look at the positive side of the situations ahead of him, almost to the point of blinding him.

But Taeil is seeing the other side.

When Johnny received phone call from his father which immediately turns to fight, he sees it as an opportunity to hear from his father’s side and consider things. But only Taeil sees the knuckles turning paper white from gripping the phone to hard and the eyebrows furiously furrowed during the conversation.

When Johnny checks his phone from his mom he’ll tell himself that at least they’re still talking to him; only Taeil sees the biting of lips and the soft tremble from refraining the urge to tear up.

When he sees his daily life as something normal and tolerable, Taeil sees the deadly amount of alcohol lying frozen inside his fridge.

When Johnny believe he’s still full of love. Taeil sees he’s running out of it.

 

 

 

He was still looking at the bottle of pills on his hand.

He sighs and opens his dresser to throw the bottle among the random things inside. He looked over Jaehyun who is soundly sleeping on his bed, his body positioned to be facing him. As if he’s looking out for him until he succumbs to his sleep.

He lays down back to his bed. No sleep again tonight, then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh. Okay I really didn't mean to make this super long. I was planning to end it in 2 chapters but my mind is sometimes not cooperative with the initial plan :/ and so I have to extend this to 3 chapters :(
> 
> I hope this wasn't too angsty. This is not beta-ed pls forgive the mistakes. 
> 
> I promise it will become better on the next chapter :) 
> 
> ily all i hope you are having a great day ♡


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